It's Monday AGAIN

           

          Well the weekend is over so it's back to the boring hustle of everyday. I wake up, take a shower, check my email, then watch T.V. and I might work on my book if my creative juices are flowing. I feel like I have no life LITERALLY. I don't have friends any more because everyone seems to have their head stuck up their ass. I don't have a boyfriend because apparently I did everything wrong and he was Mr. Perfect. My life is just majorly boring. Maybe I will start going to clubs and meeting random strangers? Nah... It's weird how one minute your life can be going great and the next it's in a downward spiral. I know my life isn't as bad as the next persons and it could actually be worse but it still sucks kind of bad.(Giggles) I won't complain because I have my health, that sounds like such a cliche but it's true. Some folks are sucking food through a tube struggling to breathe, so I should be thankful. I really don't have much to talk about today but I'm trying to be consistent and dedicated to   this blog so I had to write something, its not like any body reads it any way. My weekend was pretty lame besides Friday. Friday I went over to my sisters place with her roommate and one of their friends, that was pretty fun. I managed to crack a bottle of nail polish on their table and it went everywhere, it was pretty funny even though I was scrubbing the carpet until I couldn't feel my hands. I guess I've said all I had to say since I didnt have dilly squat to say in the first place. 

Be blessed..or is it Stay blessed? Well you decide!

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

---Ashley Smith

My heart to Yours

I figured if I scribbled these words across the page it would help me figure out my thoughts.

I thought that maybe if I put every thing that I was thinking on to one page I could figure out why my emotions were dancing so aimlessly around in my heart.

My mind is filled with lifeless memories of you and I.

I hate closing my eyes because the image of you holding me constantly reappears.

I lay awake at night remembering how you use to kiss me or how you held me when we watched TV.

I tried to hold us together but it doesn't do much good when we were already separated from the start.

I wonder where we went wrong you blame me and I blame you but the truth is we both played a part.

For so long I thought this was an illusion but it's an unfortunate reality.

I was hoping we could go the distance but it was the distance that drew a line between US....

Now that you and I are no longer I feel ultimately alone.

 in the morning I have nothing to wake up too and my nights are sleepless while my head replays all the memories that I have of you.

My once sunny days have been replaced with dreary skies and salty tears but I guess you don't know LOVE unless you know PAIN.....Right?

I could have taken the initiative to initiate conversation and I could have been less moody and worked on my attitude but there is no room for apologies because I am human and just like you we've both made mistakes.

I won't sit and point fingers but I will be woman enough to take the blame.

We have been divided by hasty decisions and confused by words.

Regardless of everything that has happened I wouldn't take back one thing because everything we went through made you a better you and me a better me.

Where I am...............Where I want to be.

     

   Right now my life isn't what I want it to be and I'm trying to change it but it's like I take two steps forward and get knocked back ten. I guess this is just apart of life but it is so frustrating. Now that I've done the whole college thing I realize that I should have went to an out of state school. I probably would be happier and more focused on school. I feel like I'm  alone on a dirt road but there are people behind me telling me what I should and could be doing. Of course I'm fully aware that this is my life therefore I must take responsibility for myself but sometimes its nice to have someone in your corner, someone encouraging you and supporting you. Sometimes I feel like my family contradicts themselves, they encourage me to do one thing then its like they go back on their word and criticize my choices behind wanting to do something. Sometimes I just want to run and hide, sometimes I just wish I were invisible.

      

      Maybe I'm over reacting right now, maybe not...Nonetheless these words on this page are the only time that I get to express what is really on my mind. I feel like writing is my own escape from my thoughts, I let my hands do the talking that my mouth won't. I know where I am certainly isn't close to where I want to be. I want to have my own place so I can walk around naked if I wanted to or be loud at two o'clock in the morning and not have to worry about my aunt or mother telling me to be quiet. I will be twenty one this year and I still haven't gotten it together. I can't seem to find a sturdy job and I won't be able to return to school because of my tuition balance. I want to be at the point where money isn't an issue. It's sad that I have to change colleges because I can't afford to pay off my tuition balance, so I'm starting from scratch. I guess I don't believe in myself as much as I should. I will pull it together one day but for now I just feel stuck like I've lost my way.

Wardrobe Failure

        I guess skinny jeans for men are the new thing? I don't know what to think about seeing a man walk around with pants that are almost as tight as mine. I'm all for self expression through dressing and etc. but GEESH don't pants that tight hurt your man parts? I always see guys with the tight skinny jeans on then they wear the big biscuit shoes, yuck! You also have the guys that will where their pants two sizes too big and you can see their butt, that is unattractive too. I don't want a man to wear nut huggers but I don't want the whole world to be able to see he under-roo's.

FAIL

Bad Girls Club

   

    I will admit that I am a fan of Oxygen's Bad Girls Club even though the girls are beyond retarded. On tonight's episode the girls really showed that they are stuck up Char's ass, everyone was against Nikki but since Char mad "Peace" with her everybody decided that they would reunite. Personally when I do or don't like someone it's a personal preference not because I have a ring leader and him/her makes the decision for me. It's always the same with every season, one minute all the girls are cool.....the next they are singling someone out or attacking the new girl(s). Oh my goodness then this new girl Ashley comes into the house with her conceded ass stirring up even more drama!!!! I couldn't do it. You could never place me in  a house with a group of catty females because someone(Me) would be taken off in a police car. Being on a show like the Bad Girls Club means none stop fun, it's a freaking vacation yet they turn into "Cat Wars." 

      I think it's kind of funny how they all say that they are there to have a good time but two seconds later they are pulling someones hair out, or tossing drinks in each others face. I mean come on now drink your liquor, shake that ass, and go to sleep. A lot of that crap is unnecessary, like Nikki calling the police after Char dumped her stuff in the pool. If that heffa wanted to play that game we would of just both been swimming for our clothes not calling the cops, ha she's a real "BAD GIRL" huh? Idk I guess living there is harder than it seems but if everybody kept it real from jump and stayed that way I think it would be alright. 

This sounds like something that one of them would say....."Look at me and look at you. Now tell me, hunnie, who is jealous? Me or you?"

     I wonder who will be the last bad girl standing this season?

Scatter Brain

    

Well today is Saturday big whoop-tee-do. Several people have asked me to do something but I wouldn't be surprised if I stayed home to work on my book and watch movies. I don't know what it is about me and weekends but they never go as planned. Everyone I know always wants to go to club and that isn't me. I don't have anything against going but Detroit clubs have way too much drama. I am crazy and would end up putting someone in the hospital for getting all in my face acting crazy so I refrain myself from being in those type of situations.I'm the type of person who would rather go bowling than go to the club and grind on someone I won't remember the next day.

      Moving on......I heard from Tate Publishing yesterday. Yeah reading is really fundamental, if I would have read their website I would have known they were a CHRISTIAN publishing company. One of their reps called me and we talked about my book for them to publish it I would have to change the language and take out a few parts all together. As I said in my previous blog," Why would I work so hard on something then put it in someone else's hands to change?" I kindly thanked him and told him that I wasn't interested. Some of you are probably reading this like girl your crazy and others may agree with me. When you work so hard on something you don't just up and alter it to please other people. My final decision is to just self publish that way it can stay exactly how I want it, after all the book isn't for children.

      In my last blog I told you all how my boyfriend decided to break up with me. It turns out that he was just mad. WTF? Your having a bad day so you take it out on me? I don't know what to do, I want to be with him but that really hurt me. I will have to do some serious thinking. That is all I will say about that matter, well for now any ways..(Giggles)

      

       Now that I think about it, I hope my bestfriend comes over so we can act silly and just keep each others minds off the things that are bothering us. The picture exhibits one of many silly memories that we have had.

       Well until next time!

"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death."

                                                                        Albert Einstein

Love Lost

    Well today my boyfriend decided to break up with me or today he decided that he didn't have time for a relationship. Now almost two years ago we met and he neither of us wanted a relationship but for the last six months we have been waist deep, straight head over heels for each other, or so I thought. Before we entered the relationship six months ago I bluntly asked him.."Are you sure your ready to commit?" He said yes. So from that point on we were together. Eventually loved formed. I was there for him when he had nothing and nobody, I was there when he needed to talk or he needed someone to hold onto. I believed in him when everyone else doubted him, now all of sudden he doesn't have time for me. This is the catch he said," I want to be with you just not right now." What kind of bullshit is that, do my feelings not matter any more? Six months later and your not ready? I'm not going to put my life on  hold so he can decide what he wants to do or to find time for a relationship. I worked almost everyday but that didn't stop me form taking him to work or waking up out of my bed in the middle of the night to take him home. I juggled school and work but never once said I didn't have time for him. I'm mad as hell and my feelings are hurt. Life goes on,RIGHT?

 "The love that last the longest is the love that is never returned."
William Maughham

Until next time, watch who you give your heart to.