Right now my life isn't what I want it to be and I'm trying to change it but it's like I take two steps forward and get knocked back ten. I guess this is just apart of life but it is so frustrating. Now that I've done the whole college thing I realize that I should have went to an out of state school. I probably would be happier and more focused on school. I feel like I'm alone on a dirt road but there are people behind me telling me what I should and could be doing. Of course I'm fully aware that this is my life therefore I must take responsibility for myself but sometimes its nice to have someone in your corner, someone encouraging you and supporting you. Sometimes I feel like my family contradicts themselves, they encourage me to do one thing then its like they go back on their word and criticize my choices behind wanting to do something. Sometimes I just want to run and hide, sometimes I just wish I were invisible.
Maybe I'm over reacting right now, maybe not...Nonetheless these words on this page are the only time that I get to express what is really on my mind. I feel like writing is my own escape from my thoughts, I let my hands do the talking that my mouth won't. I know where I am certainly isn't close to where I want to be. I want to have my own place so I can walk around naked if I wanted to or be loud at two o'clock in the morning and not have to worry about my aunt or mother telling me to be quiet. I will be twenty one this year and I still haven't gotten it together. I can't seem to find a sturdy job and I won't be able to return to school because of my tuition balance. I want to be at the point where money isn't an issue. It's sad that I have to change colleges because I can't afford to pay off my tuition balance, so I'm starting from scratch. I guess I don't believe in myself as much as I should. I will pull it together one day but for now I just feel stuck like I've lost my way.
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